Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Thanks to all

Since most of the time, the personal news I do share tends to be "bad" and my last post pretty much made it clear that I was "on the canvas" recently, let me reproduce here a draft from a lengthier note to a priest that I was working on, but decided against finishing and sending.

Hiccups aside, which I do allude to, these past couple of months have been some of the happiest, Godliest I've experienced. For the first time in my life, I think God has been able against my will to turn a corner with me on Topic H, and I'm much more closely attuned to His voice and the angels he sends. "Le bon temps" began approximately with this public prayer request, so thanks to everybody who responded -- publicly, privately or spiritually. Anyhoo, here it is:
First of all and for the first time ever, I’ve really measurably felt my homosexual attractions diminishing. I would be lying to say that I’ve lived perfectly continently in that period, but (and I will spare you the details) I can definitely say that (1) I can innocently come across a male body without triggering further action, (2) when I do same guiltily, I much more easily and quickly turn away or click off, (3) it takes more “time” to give Satan the definitive upper hand. While I’m aware that libido will naturally diminish over time, I’m still only 41 and not too far removed from my biological prime.

As for sex with other men, I am pretty much uninterested any more, knock wood. The pickup attempts I’ve made have been progressively fewer (function of choking off the routes or having them choked off for me), more half-hearted, and almost always the eventual victim of my cold-footed conscience. And none of the three completed occasions within the past year did I even enjoy much at the time, much less did I leave the bedroom thinking “I have found my true nature and identity.”

To use a disease metaphor, although I still catch colds my immune system is measurably strengthening -- actually “coming into existence” would be more like it. I can’t tell you how joyous and thankful I am over this, Father. To switch metaphors, I’ve served close to 20 years of what I’ve always expected to be a life sentence without the chance of parole. And it’s like finding out that you misheard the judge saying “with” as “without.”


Milwaukee Man said...

Thanks be to God . . . I keep you regularly in my prayers and will continue to do so.

bridgit said...

It took me close to 25 years to finally realize that I was looking at my SSA the wrong way, it wasn't till I stopped being "obsessed" with this cross that it then became bearable. Obsessed is not the right word, really, but I can't think of a better one. I just stopped praying less for it to be taken away (and to be attracted to men)and to pray more that I do God's will--then the sexuality issue just became less important. God bless you for your frank and public discussion of your struggles and keep going towards the LIGHT who is Jesus Christ. bridgit

Peony Moss said...

God bless you, Courage Man. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

One quote that always helps me is -

"It does not matter if you fall a thousand times as long as you love the fight and not the fall."

Marcial Maciel, L.C.

Yours in Christ,


Dale said...

Glad to hear this--prayers will continue.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this. I have a similar struggle, but mine is with masturbation. The same principles aplly well to all disordered sexual urges.

Anonymous said...

The same principles aplly well to all disordered sexual urges.

Absolutely. Amen.

My own struggle is with masochistic, sick, self-hating thoughts during sex with my husband. I know exactly where this comes from: My relentlessly critical dad raised me to feel like a total flop as a human being; while my mom, who had been molested at age five and never received therapy, raised me and my sister both to have a terrible sense of shame and guilt about our bodies and our sexuality. With the result that I've always been a basket-case in this area. (As a teenager, I had anorexia--didn't get my period for five years--partly, I think, as a way of stalling puberty.)

OK, TMI and too narcissistic. But the bottom line is: This is a huge struggle for me. The thoughts occur only during sex; they would gross me out any other time. But I cannot seem to shake them...I just associate sexual pleasure with guilt and shame in such a fundamental way.

My confessor is great. His message to me, over and over, is Divine Mercy. He also helps me to see that, while the thoughts are not ego-dystonic, nonetheless I do not give full, free, total consent to them, so they are not mortal sins. (I'm very scrupulous.)

Life is struggle, for me at least. As my confessor says, this is the thorn in my side. I may never be completely free of it (as long as my husband and I continue to make love, that is). But I can constantly throw myself into Christ's merciful arms. Thank God for His limitless mercy!